There comes a stage in life when you feel that you are losing everything. From friends, to family, to the faith you have in yourself - everything seems to be either going out or in a dilapidated state. What do you do then?
For me, that’s what I believe I am going through lately. Oddly/Sadly/Unsurprisingly enough, I’m not a bad-luck virgin.
Time and again, life has shown me its ugly face. From being the failure kid in my teens, to the one losing the love war every single time, to not getting selected in any of the companies from my campus interviews. I’ve gone through it. Each time, there was some light at the end of the tunnel and I came through. Doesn’t really seem this time around though.
Let’s break it down piece by piece.
Of Love
I’ve had a strange relationship with love. First getting pushed into it through friends - which remained a one way street. That led me to forcing love and losing it to someone else. And when I finally thought I got it, losing it to her family’s notions about me and my colour (which is another topic I wish to write about some day). This time its overly complicated - even more than all the previous ones put together. She’s perfect. Everything about her is beyond what I’ve dreamt of - be it her manners, her thoughts, her smile, her hair, the way she hugs me - everything. The catch? We can never be together. We both knew it when we started dating and we still know it. The more we talk, the more we get pulled towards each other and its getting dangerous - so we’re trying to calm the feelings down. With my history of being the bad luck Brian, I have an inherent fear of losing her. Not because she will walk away, but because I don’t trust myself. And with everything coming together, the feeling is getting worse.
Of Family
Here’s the good thing: I have a wonderful family - a loving dad, a caring mom and an equally understanding brother. Here’s the bad part - we all seem to be falling into a pit. With my age 27 and counting, its time for me to find a companion for life. Even though I may love someone, I have to get married to another person. Sadly, the society that we live in, judges people by the money they have and not by integrity or honesty. That’s where we couldn’t succeed to the level we wished. Peer pressure leads us to believe that unless we comply to certain norms like a big house, a couple of cars, etc., my parents will not be able to find a suitable match.
Our family house which was lovingly built by my late grandfather, is under the threat of bank possession - thanks to my uncles who seem to have lost complete respect for their elder brother and have kept it under mortgage for personal gains. My dad being the eldest, invested everything he had and could manage at the time to build this house and have been a pillar in times of need for everyone. Despite all of that, we are seen as casting a dark shadow over them. Each time the conversation of splitting opens up and we demand our fair share, a new plan is devised to drive us out of this house - of our home - and strip us of our dignity. I fail to understand what did my father do to deserve this, or, DID NOT do to get an iota of respect from his brothers. I’m not even going to talk about favouritism from his parents’ end. Today, when we need the support, we don't have anyone. No one from the family wishes to stand by us in these testing times.
Of Friends
There are people who you call friends which you want to keep in touch with. And then there are those few who get to be best friends - sharing and supporting each other like a rock through thick and thin.
Friends have always been an important aspect of my life and I’ve tried to be there for them as much as I can. With work pressure and geographical disparities, things get complicated. Marriage strikes another blow to the otherwise strong bond. A new partner brings in excitement, new experiences, new conversations and thoughts and in all this, the past gets lost. Money kicks relationships in the gut too as economical differences often lead to change in social circle.
Just a couple of days back, I had to give up on one of those friends who I always thought would be by me. She recently got married to the perfect gentleman and I felt really happy for her. But because we were quite thick, her admiration for me must have bothered her partner which lead to a slight complication between them. She took upon herself to refrain from me.
Then there are friends who I have made a distance from. Even though they are good at heart and mean no harm, I’ve never really been a fan of political banter and certainly don't like to be included in one.
It’s a rocky ride when you don't know who to open up to and its too late to let someone new in to your inner circle.
Of Work
How do you feel when a person you blindly trusted tries to tell you that you’re not worth it? My boss is a good guy and in many ways a mentor too. I’ve always been open to him about my thoughts and have more often than not put him ahead of my priorities. When its time for me to make a career move, he feels that my skills as an individual contributor aren't good enough. This breaks my heart. The one thing I know is that I’ve fought my way through everything I have achieved so far. It has never been an easy journey and through this process, I have come to be confident about what I do as a designer. I may not be as good as a lot of other people in my industry but that only serves as an inspiration for me. However, if your senior doubts your capabilities and compares you to others on the team, it has a negative effect. This is exactly what threw me off at my first organisation and I expected this guy to be extremely honest. Every time I talk to him seems like a facade for an ulterior motive to gather information. A lot of times I really don’t care but there needs to be a moment of truth for complete trust. When you cry wolf for no reason far too many times, nobody will trust you when you actually try to speak the truth.
There’s a lot more to what I have written above. Whatever I managed to pen is disconnected as well - it just embodies my current state of mind. A man needs atleast one avenue to be positive when everything else seems lost. That one thing can become his/her pillar to grow and balance the others. But what happens when you see everything crumble down one by one? Where do you go to seek recluse? How do you find inner peace?
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