This is me.

I want to run away from all this. There seems to be no glory for me at the end of this tunnel. 

I’m in a downward spiral because of my own shortcomings. Shortcomings of not being motivated enough. Shortcomings of always procrastinating. Shortcomings of wasting my time while I have it and then crying over it because I didn’t do anything when I had the chance. 

I’ve always been like this. Always running away from difficult situations. Always been the procrastinator. Thinking a thousand thoughts but working on none. What are thoughts worth anyway? Nothing. 

Lately I’ve been too short tempered. I want things to be done my way. There are very few people I listen to and I’m getting agitated at them too. I won’t last long before I explode and I know it. I can feel that people have started disliking me but for some reason they are clinging on. Some have already left and I am glad that they have - who wants to be with a whiner anyways. This isn’t a cry for help. No. God no. I don’t need sympathy. I don’t need people to think I am lonely because I am not. This is me pining to run away from all this.

I've always had the habit of getting depressed as soon as something bad happens or I see an iota of failure. It seems I need professional help. I am never consistent with my own things. I get comfortable way too easily and take too much time and effort to get out it. So much time that its often too late.

On top of it all, I think I deserve things just because I am at a certain position. I try to justify my position with that of the people surrounding me to make myself feel better. I am the leech who latches on to the people around and feeds off of their failures to make myself look better. I am not a good person - certainly not what I try to portray myself as.

As a designer, I fail to be among the best. I barely manage my way through my work and I doubt if it’s actually usable. I fear this too shall come out one day. I wonder if it already has. It won’t be too long when everyone will recognise me for the average Joe I am, and then, game over. I am not even talented - pretty fucked up for a creative professional. I get "inspired" from different things around me and copy stuff to sell as my own. My ideas do not exist. If I see someone better than me, I try to pull them down - just because I cannot accept the fact that they are better. I ask them questions just to create that little glimpse of confusion which makes me chuckle from within. I am a creep, a voyeur who wants to know exactly what is happening in each and everyone's life around me. I constantly judge people - even the ones I love. Ive become the same horrible asshole who I once cursed. Thinking about people's intentions, and motives. Not believing in anything they say - always trying to figure the underlying meaning.

THIS IS ME.