An Exposition of Death

My grand father passed away yesterday in my arms. 

I saw his pupils rise as I held him. I tried calling out to him, was with him during his last few breaths and myself put the gangajal in his mouth. As I sat beside him (what was left of him after the soul leaves) throughout the day, it didn’t seem he left us. I was constantly looking out for the one twitch, the single cough that would confirm he is still with us. With a family of 16 people, from 14 yrs old to 75 yrs old, around him under one roof, we couldn’t do much to save him despite our best efforts. He left back so many memories with each of us that its hard to even imagine him not being around. 

At the age of 80 and recurring medical issues, I guess his time had come to leave all the suffering and be one with the almighty. A man, even of his stature, values and way of living, could only endure so much pain in one life. It just brings me back to the existential question which is omnipresent: Are we doing something meaningful? Are the efforts we make nothing but a mirage? Is this it? 

Death is defined in numerous ways in religion and belief systems. We mourn over the deceased and pray to the almighty that his soul may rest in peace and he attains what in hinduism we call Moksha (release from the cycle of rebirth impelled by the law of karma).

Having seen and experienced this now, I cannot help but ask this question to myself, when is the best time to die? Bluntly speaking, death is synonymous to a movie ending as the credits roll up. No post credit scenes, no second parts. Just a single show without any intervals.

Talking in terms of business/movies or anything, the end is in two major ways: 
1. Happy ending where the protagonist meets his goal and everything gets smoothened out 

2. With the gruesome fate of the people in question and things go for a painful end

Nobody likes the latter. Given that while we are still breathing and have the ability to take our decisions and execute them, should we decide our fate and the date? 

I don’t know for how long will this question ring in and how will I be able to give this demon enough to feed on till the time comes that it gorges me from within, but, all I know is that this has made me rethink about what my life strategy is and when should I plan my end?

Too painful? Too blunt? Leave it in the comments.

खोज

क्या खोज रहा है, किसे ढूँढ रहा है
हर एक चेहरे मे, हर किसी के ज़ेहन मे
किसके लफ़्ज़ों की फुसफुसाहट सुनने की कोशिश कर रहा है

झोंक दिया तूने खुद को हर ज़लज़ले मे
दबा ली आवाज़ अपनी गहरे समुन्दरो मे
खुद को ज़ार ज़ार करने का कौनसा नया आयाम ढूँढ रहा है

खूब सुनी तूने सब से, खूब सहता रहा है
हर मंदिर मे, हर मज़्ज़िद मे, फरमान लगाता फिर रहा है
अब कौनसी दुआ है तेरी जिसे पाने के लए इतना तड़प रहा है

क्या नही मिला है तुझे, क्या कमी कहीं दिखती है
तुझे तेरे नसीब के मुताबिक सब चीज़ पहले ही मिलती है
फिर कौनसी ऐसी लड़ाई है जिसके लए खुद को तैयार कर रहा है

क्या खोज रहा है, किसे ढूँढ रहा है

My first trip to the States

On a pseudo winter morning of January 6, 2014 at around 4 am, I embarked upon a journey of my lifetime. Heading to the huge aircraft, I had mixed thoughts about this whole setup. Going abroad even for 3 months is an opportunity for anyone and everyone in India. Parents, friends and kins were happy and excited - heck, even more excited than I ever was. I never dreamed of visiting the States - not that I didn't like to travel - but this never appealed to me. India itself has been very mysterious and lovely to explore and the more I see, the more I get fascinated.

I was the first child in my family of 17 people (joint family- don't get any ideas here) to go out to study in another city. Everyone had come to the railway station to bid goodbye to a new beginning which ensured I could never return to my hometown (atleast for a foreseeable future and its been almost 6 years now). That moment was in its true sense, heartbreaking and motivating. This trip itself is no less. Though nobody could come to see me off - because I was 20 hrs away from them to say the least, this wasn't hard for me. I have moved to enough locations myself to manage and workaround my ways and I think this learning is absolutely essential for everyone to move forward, take risks and be confident.

Coming back to my point of not having the dream of moving to the US, I have always been fascinated by my own country much more than anything else. I do know that there are shortcomings - large gaps and big problems; but which country doesn't? If we keep this aside, India has always been my favorite - cricket, hockey, the Olympics, even though we knew we wont win, the hope didn't die. Maybe I am the different kind because a lot of my folks dream of this life - free of tensions, easy going, scheduled and most of all, rule bound society and I say bound because now I know that people get blind in routine. India has always been superior to this nation - not in its infrastructure or the way it is run but in pure intellectual power. Even the basics here need to be taught whereas we come laden with so much knowledge that we (in our own way), practically rule them!

Since the time I have come here, everyone who sees me cannot believe that I am not the usual amazed and dazzled by this free thinking society. They ask me whether I like this or not and what are my thoughts about it and my reaction is always the same - yeah, its cool. And that's all. They think I maybe showing off or something but this really is nothing apart from moving to another city in India. There certainly are many reasons for this behavior - I am surrounded by Indians all around including the office and the home; I travel mainly with my senior, a super nice fellow who has taken care of me as his own kid; I am used to speaking and trying to communicate in either English or signals and so on. Its not that big a deal for me to actually setup things from scratch and managing my own way. Granted that there are some very fundamental differences in the way this nation functions as compared to the way India is but like I said, I am too comfortable to notice the difference.

With this, I am signing off from this post but will surely write more upon my travels and thoughts as and when they happen.