When all seems lost

There comes a stage in life when you feel that you are losing everything. From friends, to family, to the faith you have in yourself - everything seems to be either going out or in a dilapidated state. What do you do then? 

For me, that’s what I believe I am going through lately. Oddly/Sadly/Unsurprisingly enough, I’m not a bad-luck virgin. 

Time and again, life has shown me its ugly face. From being the failure kid in my teens, to the one losing the love war every single time, to not getting selected in any of the companies from my campus interviews. I’ve gone through it. Each time, there was some light at the end of the tunnel and I came through. Doesn’t really seem this time around though. 

Let’s break it down piece by piece.

Of Love

I’ve had a strange relationship with love. First getting pushed into it through friends - which remained a one way street. That led me to forcing love and losing it to someone else. And when I finally thought I got it, losing it to her family’s notions about me and my colour (which is another topic I wish to write about some day). This time its overly complicated - even more than all the previous ones put together. She’s perfect. Everything about her is beyond what I’ve dreamt of - be it her manners, her thoughts, her smile, her hair, the way she hugs me - everything. The catch? We can never be together. We both knew it when we started dating and we still know it. The more we talk, the more we get pulled towards each other and its getting dangerous - so we’re trying to calm the feelings down. With my history of being the bad luck Brian, I have an inherent fear of losing her. Not because she will walk away, but because I don’t trust myself. And with everything coming together, the feeling is getting worse. 

Of Family

Here’s the good thing: I have a wonderful family - a loving dad, a caring mom and an equally understanding brother. Here’s the bad part - we all seem to be falling into a pit. With my age 27 and counting, its time for me to find a companion for life. Even though I may love someone, I have to get married to another person. Sadly, the society that we live in, judges people by the money they have and not by integrity or honesty. That’s where we couldn’t succeed to the level we wished. Peer pressure leads us to believe that unless we comply to certain norms like a big house, a couple of cars, etc., my parents will not be able to find a suitable match. 

Our family house which was lovingly built by my late grandfather, is under the threat of bank possession - thanks to my uncles who seem to have lost complete respect for their elder brother and have kept it under mortgage for personal gains. My dad being the eldest, invested everything he had and could manage at the time to build this house and have been a pillar in times of need for everyone. Despite all of that, we are seen as casting a dark shadow over them. Each time the conversation of splitting opens up and we demand our fair share, a new plan is devised to drive us out of this house - of our home - and strip us of our dignity. I fail to understand what did my father do to deserve this, or, DID NOT do to get an iota of respect from his brothers. I’m not even going to talk about favouritism from his parents’ end. Today, when we need the support, we don't have anyone. No one from the family wishes to stand by us in these testing times.

Of Friends

There are people who you call friends which you want to keep in touch with. And then there are those few who get to be best friends - sharing and supporting each other like a rock through thick and thin. 

Friends have always been an important aspect of my life and I’ve tried to be there for them as much as I can. With work pressure and geographical disparities, things get complicated. Marriage strikes another blow to the otherwise strong bond. A new partner brings in excitement, new experiences, new conversations and thoughts and in all this, the past gets lost. Money kicks relationships in the gut too as economical differences often lead to change in social circle. 

Just a couple of days back, I had to give up on one of those friends who I always thought would be by me. She recently got married to the perfect gentleman and I felt really happy for her. But because we were quite thick, her admiration for me must have bothered her partner which lead to a slight complication between them. She took upon herself to refrain from me. 

Then there are friends who I have made a distance from. Even though they are good at heart and mean no harm, I’ve never really been a fan of political banter and certainly don't like to be included in one. 

It’s a rocky ride when you don't know who to open up to and its too late to let someone new in to your inner circle.  

Of Work

How do you feel when a person you blindly trusted tries to tell you that you’re not worth it? My boss is a good guy and in many ways a mentor too. I’ve always been open to him about my thoughts and have more often than not put him ahead of my priorities. When its time for me to make a career move, he feels that my skills as an individual contributor aren't good enough. This breaks my heart. The one thing I know is that I’ve fought my way through everything I have achieved so far. It has never been an easy journey and through this process, I have come to be confident about what I do as a designer. I may not be as good as a lot of other people in my industry but that only serves as an inspiration for me. However, if your senior doubts your capabilities and compares you to others on the team, it has a negative effect. This is exactly what threw me off at my first organisation and I expected this guy to be extremely honest. Every time I talk to him seems like a facade for an ulterior motive to gather information. A lot of times I really don’t care but there needs to be a moment of truth for complete trust. When you cry wolf for no reason far too many times, nobody will trust you when you actually try to speak the truth.

There’s a lot more to what I have written above. Whatever I managed to pen is disconnected as well - it just embodies my current state of mind. A man needs atleast one avenue to be positive when everything else seems lost. That one thing can become his/her pillar to grow and balance the others. But what happens when you see everything crumble down one by one? Where do you go to seek recluse? How do you find inner peace? 

This is me.

I want to run away from all this. There seems to be no glory for me at the end of this tunnel. 

I’m in a downward spiral because of my own shortcomings. Shortcomings of not being motivated enough. Shortcomings of always procrastinating. Shortcomings of wasting my time while I have it and then crying over it because I didn’t do anything when I had the chance. 

I’ve always been like this. Always running away from difficult situations. Always been the procrastinator. Thinking a thousand thoughts but working on none. What are thoughts worth anyway? Nothing. 

Lately I’ve been too short tempered. I want things to be done my way. There are very few people I listen to and I’m getting agitated at them too. I won’t last long before I explode and I know it. I can feel that people have started disliking me but for some reason they are clinging on. Some have already left and I am glad that they have - who wants to be with a whiner anyways. This isn’t a cry for help. No. God no. I don’t need sympathy. I don’t need people to think I am lonely because I am not. This is me pining to run away from all this.

I've always had the habit of getting depressed as soon as something bad happens or I see an iota of failure. It seems I need professional help. I am never consistent with my own things. I get comfortable way too easily and take too much time and effort to get out it. So much time that its often too late.

On top of it all, I think I deserve things just because I am at a certain position. I try to justify my position with that of the people surrounding me to make myself feel better. I am the leech who latches on to the people around and feeds off of their failures to make myself look better. I am not a good person - certainly not what I try to portray myself as.

As a designer, I fail to be among the best. I barely manage my way through my work and I doubt if it’s actually usable. I fear this too shall come out one day. I wonder if it already has. It won’t be too long when everyone will recognise me for the average Joe I am, and then, game over. I am not even talented - pretty fucked up for a creative professional. I get "inspired" from different things around me and copy stuff to sell as my own. My ideas do not exist. If I see someone better than me, I try to pull them down - just because I cannot accept the fact that they are better. I ask them questions just to create that little glimpse of confusion which makes me chuckle from within. I am a creep, a voyeur who wants to know exactly what is happening in each and everyone's life around me. I constantly judge people - even the ones I love. Ive become the same horrible asshole who I once cursed. Thinking about people's intentions, and motives. Not believing in anything they say - always trying to figure the underlying meaning.

THIS IS ME.

An Exposition of Death

My grand father passed away yesterday in my arms. 

I saw his pupils rise as I held him. I tried calling out to him, was with him during his last few breaths and myself put the gangajal in his mouth. As I sat beside him (what was left of him after the soul leaves) throughout the day, it didn’t seem he left us. I was constantly looking out for the one twitch, the single cough that would confirm he is still with us. With a family of 16 people, from 14 yrs old to 75 yrs old, around him under one roof, we couldn’t do much to save him despite our best efforts. He left back so many memories with each of us that its hard to even imagine him not being around. 

At the age of 80 and recurring medical issues, I guess his time had come to leave all the suffering and be one with the almighty. A man, even of his stature, values and way of living, could only endure so much pain in one life. It just brings me back to the existential question which is omnipresent: Are we doing something meaningful? Are the efforts we make nothing but a mirage? Is this it? 

Death is defined in numerous ways in religion and belief systems. We mourn over the deceased and pray to the almighty that his soul may rest in peace and he attains what in hinduism we call Moksha (release from the cycle of rebirth impelled by the law of karma).

Having seen and experienced this now, I cannot help but ask this question to myself, when is the best time to die? Bluntly speaking, death is synonymous to a movie ending as the credits roll up. No post credit scenes, no second parts. Just a single show without any intervals.

Talking in terms of business/movies or anything, the end is in two major ways: 
1. Happy ending where the protagonist meets his goal and everything gets smoothened out 

2. With the gruesome fate of the people in question and things go for a painful end

Nobody likes the latter. Given that while we are still breathing and have the ability to take our decisions and execute them, should we decide our fate and the date? 

I don’t know for how long will this question ring in and how will I be able to give this demon enough to feed on till the time comes that it gorges me from within, but, all I know is that this has made me rethink about what my life strategy is and when should I plan my end?

Too painful? Too blunt? Leave it in the comments.

खोज

क्या खोज रहा है, किसे ढूँढ रहा है
हर एक चेहरे मे, हर किसी के ज़ेहन मे
किसके लफ़्ज़ों की फुसफुसाहट सुनने की कोशिश कर रहा है

झोंक दिया तूने खुद को हर ज़लज़ले मे
दबा ली आवाज़ अपनी गहरे समुन्दरो मे
खुद को ज़ार ज़ार करने का कौनसा नया आयाम ढूँढ रहा है

खूब सुनी तूने सब से, खूब सहता रहा है
हर मंदिर मे, हर मज़्ज़िद मे, फरमान लगाता फिर रहा है
अब कौनसी दुआ है तेरी जिसे पाने के लए इतना तड़प रहा है

क्या नही मिला है तुझे, क्या कमी कहीं दिखती है
तुझे तेरे नसीब के मुताबिक सब चीज़ पहले ही मिलती है
फिर कौनसी ऐसी लड़ाई है जिसके लए खुद को तैयार कर रहा है

क्या खोज रहा है, किसे ढूँढ रहा है

My first trip to the States

On a pseudo winter morning of January 6, 2014 at around 4 am, I embarked upon a journey of my lifetime. Heading to the huge aircraft, I had mixed thoughts about this whole setup. Going abroad even for 3 months is an opportunity for anyone and everyone in India. Parents, friends and kins were happy and excited - heck, even more excited than I ever was. I never dreamed of visiting the States - not that I didn't like to travel - but this never appealed to me. India itself has been very mysterious and lovely to explore and the more I see, the more I get fascinated.

I was the first child in my family of 17 people (joint family- don't get any ideas here) to go out to study in another city. Everyone had come to the railway station to bid goodbye to a new beginning which ensured I could never return to my hometown (atleast for a foreseeable future and its been almost 6 years now). That moment was in its true sense, heartbreaking and motivating. This trip itself is no less. Though nobody could come to see me off - because I was 20 hrs away from them to say the least, this wasn't hard for me. I have moved to enough locations myself to manage and workaround my ways and I think this learning is absolutely essential for everyone to move forward, take risks and be confident.

Coming back to my point of not having the dream of moving to the US, I have always been fascinated by my own country much more than anything else. I do know that there are shortcomings - large gaps and big problems; but which country doesn't? If we keep this aside, India has always been my favorite - cricket, hockey, the Olympics, even though we knew we wont win, the hope didn't die. Maybe I am the different kind because a lot of my folks dream of this life - free of tensions, easy going, scheduled and most of all, rule bound society and I say bound because now I know that people get blind in routine. India has always been superior to this nation - not in its infrastructure or the way it is run but in pure intellectual power. Even the basics here need to be taught whereas we come laden with so much knowledge that we (in our own way), practically rule them!

Since the time I have come here, everyone who sees me cannot believe that I am not the usual amazed and dazzled by this free thinking society. They ask me whether I like this or not and what are my thoughts about it and my reaction is always the same - yeah, its cool. And that's all. They think I maybe showing off or something but this really is nothing apart from moving to another city in India. There certainly are many reasons for this behavior - I am surrounded by Indians all around including the office and the home; I travel mainly with my senior, a super nice fellow who has taken care of me as his own kid; I am used to speaking and trying to communicate in either English or signals and so on. Its not that big a deal for me to actually setup things from scratch and managing my own way. Granted that there are some very fundamental differences in the way this nation functions as compared to the way India is but like I said, I am too comfortable to notice the difference.

With this, I am signing off from this post but will surely write more upon my travels and thoughts as and when they happen.

Things worth fighting for

It is one thing to have a belief system and another to actually fight for it. Now this belief system could be anything - a religion, your job, love, parents, the best friend and so on and so forth.

Here in India, we abide by our parents for the most part of our lives - which is really respectable and important because they have life experiences beyond ours and can provide solutions to problems we can't even fathom at this moment. This is apart from the fact that they are our parents and we are taught from childhood that they are the only pillar we can lean against without having to reconfirm their support.

I myself love my folks to the extent that I can practically do anything for them. But as I am growing - both professionally and personally, I have begun thinking for myself, nurturing my own beliefs on the basis of my own personal experiences and emotions. There are times when differences occur because of these belief systems, times when arguments happen and times when either they or I storm out of the room or cut the long distance call mid way. But these are the exact times when we grow closer as a family. I try to explain things to them and vice versa. We then (try to) come to conclusions which are acceptable by everyone in the family.

Many times, family opinions are based on the societal culture of gasping and frowning at unconventional notions like moving away from engineering or medical sciences as a career choice, being in love, inter-caste marriages etc. It is then when you need to step up and bash this thought process. I am not asking you to leave or engage in a verbal spat - god no!! Rather, sit together, understand what they have to say and put your points forward. Be assured that there will be back firing simply because you can't expect them to change their opinions in one go, you have to make it subtle, warm them up to the idea of what you believe in is actually good for you. Because, in the end, all they care for is your happiness.

There is still a lot to say from my end but I can summarize in this Malcolm X quote:
"If you don't stand for something you will fall for anything".

How to train your (inner) dragon?

In this whole wide quest for social acceptance and self appraisals, how do you think you fare?
Okay, I guess... Good? The best maybe? Ohh, you are definitely better than your aunt's elder son. Have you looked at Brian? If only he would start wearing better clothes, maybe go to the gym, use that product and so on and so forth...

Reality is, we all have a habit of judging. So if your friend says that they don't judge people, be rest assured they do. Just in a different frame set than yours or most other people maybe.

It's in the brain - not only human but brain for every living being. The feeling that you sense something about someone, is judging them. The feeling a dog gets when he barks at a random stranger is because he judges them.

So, how, as humans (most intelligent / social animals on earth? Who's judging now? hehe.) could we be different? We cannot.
What we can do, however, is to change our perspectives. Judge in a better format. Be more logical in reasoning. And see things beyond just visual experience.

Where did we start judging from? Logically, our parents (Whoa!! Did I say something offensive there? Go on and read...). Parents are the first teachers. They tell us what is acceptable and what is not. Not talking about learning to walk / eat / shit properly - those are life skills. What I am coming at is the social acceptability. "Dont write on the walls", "Wear that new dress, relatives are coming home" etc etc. Nothing bad in that, but thats where it all begins. These are the thoughts that plant the seed for what is right and what is wrong. The rest is handled by the society. It shows you ways which are socially acceptable and ways which are socially unacceptable - like dressing improperly/ picking your nose in public/ scratching that itch in the asscrack. And then comes the whole era of media painting a picture of the right/wrong/beautiful/ugly/dirty and almost all the verbs you can associate with a person. This is the final nail in the coffin as this makes sure that either the person becomes so self righteous that they start pushing everyone around to be better that what they are or succumbing into a pitfall of self distruction - thinking that nobody likes you because you look or behave a certain way.
It is this thought that drives us our entire life and makes us take decisions. Decisions which seem perfect at the time but are far from the right choice.

What is the right choice? It may be the logical choice - but logic is also subjective to each individual. The right choice would be, in my perspective (see how I made it entirely MY LOGIC now?), to value the decision against the other side. For example, if you are commenting about someone, do you know the reasons behind their way of living? Getting into their shoes before saying something will actually help you see both sides of the coin - thus giving a better perspective and a newer frame to look through.

Being self destructive surely doesn't help - it takes you into a downward spiral where you cannot look up and find any light. What others say about you or how they see you is entirely their upto their own frame. For an individual, the sense of being should lie in what gives them happiness, things that interest them, intrigue them and maybe stimulate their senses. If you like wearing flipflops, wear 'em! If you love dressing up a certain way, do it! That is exactly how you can bring out the best in you because you are not thinking about social acceptance! The part of your brain which always stays occupied into the "social" thought is now free to be utilised into better things.
Mirrors get clearer when you wipe the grime off of them and you see a better yourself!

Here's an excersize. Fish out the people you are physically attracted to - close friends? college crush? actresses? singers? performers? Now see what you like - all good right? Close your eyes, count to 5 and then see what's wrong with them - you will have a far more realistic picture.
And if you have the guts, try to do this with the people you hate / dislike. Try to see what's good in them... Mind = BLOWN!

"Let go of your attachment to being right, and suddenly your mind is more open. You're able to benefit from the unique viewpoints of others, without being crippled by your own judgment." - Ralph Marston